I recall vividly the couple that I was pre-marriage counseling, and of whom I asked a standard question among many other standard questions, and that question was:
“ARE YOU HAVING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE TOGETHER?”
It was obvious by their uneasy facial expressions and body twitching that the question was a very uncomfortable rhetorical one in the affirmative. No answer needed! There was for them an eternal pause of silence, and then the young woman finally braved the answer and said with great embarrassment, “Yes we do.”
So, I delved a bit further into the sensitive issue and asked them,
“HOW OFTEN DO YOU HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE TOGETHER?”
Now uneasiness gave way to blushing and flushing in bright red, and after an even longer period of awkward silence, once again the wanna-be-bride was the one to respond and said with even greater discomfort, “We do it on every date.” They dated about two to three times a week, had sexual intercourse on their first date, and it never stopped throughout their courtship.
I suppose Jim Carrey would say something like, “Alrighty then!” I know that Bob Klingenberg would say, “Alwrongy then!” I went on to explain several things which to them were totally unknown and even shocking. One was that that they were committing sin, which they sort of knew already, and that that sin in the Bible is known as FORNICATION, which includes having sexual intercourse before marriage. (Matthew 15:18-20) The word FORNICATION they were not familiar with, which ignorance I have found today is tragically common among America’s youth, even church youth.
Then I went on to explain to them that sexual intercourse before marriage is a block to true love, while in a Christian marriage sexual intercourse is one of the expressions of true love. And not only that, but sexual intercourse before marriage is a block to truly coming to know each other. If you will:
“YOU ARE DATING AND WILL BE MARRYING A PENIS AND
A VAGINA, AND NOT DATING OR MARRYING REAL
PERSONS WHO ARE AT THIS TIME TOTALLY
UNKNOWN TO EACH OTHER AND BEING
HIDDEN IN A SURFACE SEXUAL
“THEIR DATING EXPERIENCES WERE NOTHING MORE OR LESS THAN DROPPING
SLUGS INTO A SEXUAL JUKEBOX DESIGNED TO GENERATE SENSATIONS
AND SOUNDS, RATHER THAN LEARNING ONE BLESSED THING
ABOUT THE ONE WHO YOU ARE DATING AND
INTENT ON MARRYING.”
I then proceeded to tell them that starting now sexual intercourse is forbidden, and that instead of expending great physical energy at no mental expense, they were to begin to expend great spiritual and mental energy with no physical expense. Meaning that they were to ask each other many searching questions (personality, vocational, and spiritual in orientation) which I had my secretary type up and print out for them from James Dobson. And then after their times of sharing, they were to pray for each other on each date that the Lord would speak to them about His will for their lives.
It was obvious to me that they were not handling the counsel well, and couldn’t quite grasp why the counsel was needed in the first place. The EROS FOG seemed to clear some when I said to them:
“YOU MUST UNDERSTAND THAT THE REAL YOU IS NOT
ON THE OUTSIDE BUT ON THE INSIDE, AND SO FAR
THE REAL YOU HAS REMAINED HIDDEN BEHIND
OUTER FLESH, AND INVISIBLE PEOPLE
CANNOT SEE EACH OTHER.”
It wasn’t more than a week that she called my secretary and cancelled their next appointment with me, as well as sharing mind you that they had broken up, for they found that they had absolutely have nothing in common. They could no longer stand to date or be with each other without sex dominating the relationship. Thank God:
“A FATAL, EROS MARRIAGE DISASTER HAD BEEN AVERTED.”
Horribly tragic is the fact that so many thousands of these EROS MARRIAGE DISASTERS are not averted.
MAKING LOVE – THE EROS MYTH
“EROS” is one of the Greek words that is translated “LOVE.” It was not even allowed in the Greek New Testament. EROS is a word from which we get English words such as EROTIC and EROTICISM. It is the world’s pagan concept of love which you will hear expressed by equating sexual intercourse with MAKING LOVE, which is the oxymoron of all oxymora. They may be MAKING WHOOPEE, but they are not MAKING LOVE. Hear me:
“MEN AND WOMEN CAN NO MORE MAKE LOVE THAN
THAN THEY CAN MAKE A PENIS AND A VAGINA.”
Do people mistake EROS for LOVE? It happens all the time, which is why this world spends much of its time in divorce courts. Mark it:
“EROS IS NOT LOVE, BUT BY ITSELF IT IS LUST.”
Since EROS was not even allowed by the Holy Spirit as LOVE in the Greek New Testament, the closest we can come to it is found in I John 2:16,
“For all that is in the world, the LUST of the FLESH and
the LUST of the EYES and the boastful pride of
life, is not from the Father, but is from
“IN THE BIBLE HUSBANDS ARE COMMANDED TO LOVE
THEIR WIVES, NOT TO LUST THEIR WIVES.”
“IN THE BIBLE, WIVES ARE COMMANDED TO LOVE THEIR
HUSBANDS, NOT TO LUST THEIR HUSBANDS.”
There are many marriages in Hollywood for instance, in fact the vast majority, that are based on EROS (lustful desires for flesh, sex, worldliness, appearance, money, fame, status, luxury, ease etc.) and not on LOVE. The erotic Viagra-Enzyte culture of our day finds its eros-center in the Hollywood culture where those fallen stars have many more ex-spouses than they do children. Sad to say, that is now true of American society and in many other so-called “Advanced Societies of the World.”
And in the Eros Society, eros marriages are doomed to failure, because there always comes along those who appear more erotic, feel more erotic, sex it up more erotic, money more erotic etc. etc. Eros will replace the old model for the new model quicker than car manufacturers these days change models. In short:
“EROS WILL USHER SPOUSES INTO OBSOLESCENCE QUICKER
THAN OUR CHILDREN LEAVE ADOLESCENCE.”
“I HAVE SEEN EROS IN ONE SPOUSE TURN THE OTHER SPOUSE
FROM BEING A TREASURE INTO BECOMING A MERE
RELIC IN TWO WEEKS, OR IN TWELVE MONTHS.
THERE IS ALWAYS A VERY LIMITED
More on that ahead.
We must understand the following:
“EROS-LUST WILL MAKE YOU SEX PARTNERS,
BUT WILL NEVER MAKE YOU A HUSBAND
AND WIFE WHO TRULY LOVE
Not only will EROS not make you a true husband and wife, it won’t even make you best friends. As a matter of fact, a teenage boy and a teenage girl, or any other agers for that matter, who are having sexual intercourse as a way of dating each other should be banned from calling each other or from being called by others BOYFRIEND and GIRLFRIEND. This is neither true love nor true friendship whatsoever. Rather they should be called FORNICATORS and EROTICATORS, but not lovers and friends. They are in fact HATERS and ENEMIES waiting to happen, and who are in fact divorce attorneys’ job security. In fact:
“EROS BASED MARRIAGES DO NOT MAKE SPOUSES,
THEY MAKE DIVORCEES.”
GOD’S LOVE ALONE ENDURES
You see, we read in I John 4:8 and 16,
“GOD IS LOVE.”
The Greek word for THEOS IS AGAPE, and the Greek word for AGAPE IS THEOS, for,
“GOD (Theos) is LOVE (Agape).”
I am reminded of the little boy who asked his Dad, “What is the sun made of?” Dad said, “I don’t know son, but it sure is on fire.” Well then we ask like a little child, “What is God made of?” And like Dad we answer, “I don’t know, but He sure is on fire with burning love.”
You should know this principle before we go any further:
“EVERY MAN IS BORN WITH EROS, AND EVERY TRUE
CHRISTIAN IS BORN AGAIN WITH AGAPE.”
We read in I John 4:7,
“…and everyone who loves (agape) is born of God and knows God.”
The naturally born have eros, while the spiritually born again have agape. The former is transient, while the latter is permanent. If you will:
“EROS RUNS ON MOMENTARY FLESHLY SENSATIONS AND
TITILLATIONS, WHILE AGAPE RUNS ETERNALLY
ON SPIRITUAL REGENERATION.”
God’s love – AGAPE – alone is the love that I Corinthians 13:8 tells us,
That is to say:
“AGAPE NEVER SEPARATES, NEVER DIVORCES, NEVER THROWS
AWAY, NEVER LEAVES, NEVER FORSAKES, NEVER BETRAYS,
NEVER RUNS AWAY, NEVER DRIVES AWAY, NEVER
BREAKS A HEART, NEVER SAYS, ‘I DON’T LOVE
YOU ANY MORE,’ AND IS NEVER UNFAITHFUL.”
EROS will do all of the above in time and all the time. That is why the Bible does not say:
“GOD IS EROS.”
Why? Because EROS only looks and feels like LOVE, but it is not LOVE! It will fail! God does not look and feel like love, HE IS LOVE. God’s love in us will never fail! LOVE-APAPE is not a characteristic of God, but rather, love is the essence of God. Love is not something God has, but love is Who God is eternally. God can no more stop being love and stop loving than He can stop being God, for God is love.
So we read about that ever ABIDING LOVE OF GOD in I John 4:16,
“God is love, and the one who abides in love abides
in God, and God abides in him.”
ABIDING LOVE FROM AN ABIDING GOD IN THE HUSBAND’S AND WIFE’S HEARTS.
So it gets deeper, but dive with me deeper into truth. What about the husband or wife who says to their spouse,
“I HAVE FALLEN OUT OF LOVE?”
The answer should be:
“YOU HAVE NOT FALLEN OUT OF LOVE, BUT YOU
HAVE FALLEN OUT OF GOD WHO IS LOVE.”
You see, though EROS looks and feels like love, it is really only a FOG that envelopes so-called lovers in a swoon of fleeting and momentary sensations and feelings. And though those sensations and feelings can linger for a while, they can and will one day disappear as quickly as they came – just like fog. Eros will enable you to play house for a time, but that is in fact all it is – an EROS PLAYHOUSE.
“EROS, THOUGH IT LOOKS AND FEELS LIKE LOVE, IS ONLY
A THIN, CLOUD-LIKE LOVE WHICH IF A MARRIAGE IS
BASED UPON IT, THAT LOVE WILL FAIL, AND THAT
MARRIAGE WILL FALL RIGHT THROUGH TO
THE GROUND AND BE DESTROYED.”
CASE IN POINT
Let me give you a heartbreaking example of all of this. I could use too many sad examples that I have seen in life and in ministry. But I particularly recall one young couple who were both born into religion.. They with their families attended church and dated each other for two years and then were married. They appeared to be, as they say, madly in love.
Don’t judge a book by its cover! As it turned out, the young husband had agape for her, and unknown to him, even though she had been churched his wife had eros for him glossed over with some measure of religiosity. The signs of her erotic nature became more and more evident even before marriage, but by this time his heart had been taken by her and belonged to her. When that happened he became blind to her dark, eros side (like the woman in the picture) and even lost his own distinctive identity in Christ for her sake. He more and more became a stranger by choice to his own Christian family and tried to conform to her erotic ways.
It wasn’t very long at all, and he discovered that her eros nature desired more and more the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eye, and the pride of life. She began to go out much more often with her eros girl friends, which she had done before marriage, to party and drink and dance and bar hop. Let the good times roll with eros!
She loved to gyrate her very shapely body on the dance floor, and had all of the carnal moves to be the center of attraction. The more she drank with her eros girl buddies, the sillier she and they became, and all the morally looser their talk and behavior became also. It was the world’s scene that she loved (eros) so much.
She would invite her husband to come along with her or meet her there, but this was not who he was. Though he tried to go along with it on occasion, he was out of his element as well as having to go to work the next day and not being able to stay out till 2:00 a.m.
With eros on the rampage in his young wife, it became obvious to her that her husband could not be the mover-groover stud that she needed him to be. She saw him through EROS EYES, with the intent of making him into her EROS IMAGE. He simply could not make the scene. He just didn’t prove to be the party boy that she thought he would become for her. In his growing heartache and loneliness, he found himself more and more prostrate and gasping, trying to crawl back into his true, spiritual home element which now appeared to be gone forever. While she wants to hang out, he is now trying to hang on.
He saw her through AGAPE EYES, and tried to bring her to the God of love. She more and more sneered and mocked him when he read the Bible and prayed. He felt more and more out of place in her lifestyle, but continued as a faithful husband to love her and lay down his life for her as Christ did for His bride the church. Everything he did in life was for her as he literally worshipped the ground she stood on. Hear me:
“NOTHING WILL CHEAT A CHRISTIAN MAN AND LET HIM DOWN
MORE HURTFULLY THAN UNFOUNDED
The truth being:
“EROS PROMISES HIGH, BUT PERFORMS VERY LOW.”
It was agape married to eros! After a short while, when he told her that he loved her, which was every day, she did not reciprocate. Then she stopped sleeping next to him, and chose to sleep in the guest bedroom. Then she told him that she did not love him anymore and moved out of the house. Eros took their marriage down and broke her husbands loving and tender heart. I have seen this scenario again and again go the same way because:
“WHEN A MARRIAGE OR ONE OF THE SPOUSES IS ROOTED
AND GROUNDED IN EROS AND NOT IN AGAPE, IT IS
A SURE RECIPE FOR MISERY AND FAILURE.”
We recall the words of II Corinthians 6:14,
“Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership
have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship
hath light with darkness?”
The answer – NONE!
“WHAT FELLOWSHIP HATH AGAPE WITH EROS?”
The answer – NONE!
HOW EROS WORKS
First, Eros discovers sooner or later that it does not want to be married, because it is totally self-centered. The fact is that the essence of eros is EVERYTHING FOR ME, while the essence of agape is EVERYTHING FOR YOU. Marriage creates the need for too much selflessness and giving, and is an rude intrusion into the selfish life of the eros spouse. if you will:
“THE EROS WIFE WANTS TO BE A LITTLE SPOILED PRINCESS AND
NOT HER HUSBAND’S HELPER AS THE BIBLE DEMANDS.”
“THE EROS HUSBAND WANTS TO BE THE KING OF HIS CASTLE
AND NOT HIS WIFE’S SERVANT AS THE BIBLE DEMANDS.”
Second, eros soon begins to manifest a growing disgust for God and devotion to Him, and will show disgust for and even mocking of the spiritual disciplines of the Christian life, such as Bible reading, dinner table or bedtime devotions, and prayer. In short:
“EROS WILL DEGRADE THAT WHICH IT DETESTS
AND DISGRACE IT.”
Third, eros finds no enjoyment whatsoever in the SPIRITUAL and great delight in the CARNAL. It chafes under a home with any Godly references or disciplines, and views them as prickly thorns and confining fences. If you will:
“EROS WILL KICK AGAINST SPIRITUAL AND MORAL
CONFINEMENTS AS BEING UNNATURAL AND
In short, eros marriages become desert planets devoid of all spiritual life forms.
Fourth, with its unquenchable thirst for worldliness and fleshliness, eros must separate itself from godliness and holiness. If you will:
“IT MUST UNFASTEN AND REMOVE ITSELF FROM THE
GOD SCENE, SO THAT IT CAN FREELY ENTER
INTO AND ENJOY THE WORLD’S SCENE.”
Fifth, eros is now ready to let fleshly and carnal desires have complete license in its life, for we have to realize the following:
“EROS NEVER FORSAKES THE HOLY BUT WITH A DESIGN
TO ENTER FULLY INTO THE UNHOLY.”
If you will:
“WHEN THE HOLY IS CAST ASIDE, THE UNHOLY MOVES
IN AND TAKES FULL POSSESSION.”
It turns HOLY MATRIMONY into UNHOLY MATRIMONY!
Sixth, the eros spouse then enters fully into the lewd and lascivious, having shut his or her mind to virtue and decency and opened their minds to the vile and indecent. (Sex toys demonstration parties, tattoes, drunkenness, bar hopping, flirting, etc. etc.) Generally celebrating life over a cup of mud. For here is the full working out of eros:
“WHEN GODLINESS IS ABANDONED, IT WILL BE FOLLOWED
BY ENORMOUS, IN YOUR FACE, ACTIONS OF UNGODLINESS
TO SPITE THE GODLY AND REJECTED SPOUSE.”
EROS! OH EROS! How you at first dazzle the imagination with glistening pretenses and glorious overtures of mountains of joy and kingdoms of pleasure. But the dazzler is a deceiver, and its alluring offers sink into nothing but disaster and heartbreak. Your pleasurable seduction is small compared to your painful sting. Your feeling of weightlessness only lasts for an hour or two, and then turns into crushing heaviness of heart. What appears to be your blessing is always in the end your curse. No wonder that:
“EROS IS SHORT FOR EROSION.”